Feb-June 2006 + April 2006-Jan2007

February 26th, 2006

Broken Soul - Old relationships
A Broken soul with not a care in the world, searches for an escape.
Blinded by darkness, a vivid view and a heart full of hate...
It was so easy for you to point fingers, at who was to blame.
It was everyone, except yourself that made you this way.
Anger, pain, the tears held inside
but the empty feelings are hard to hide.
Hidden in your shadow, afraid to be myself.
The life that's left, draining away, can't these feelings out.
You take a hold of me, until I lose control.
Leave all the power up to you, I don't know who I am anymore.
Your pleased with what you've done, you manipulate your way.
Make me believe that I don't stand a chance on my own, I'm nothing if I don't stay.
The fog closes in around me, so thick I cannot breathe.
Suffocating sadness, leaves me blind I cannot see.
Run down by your rage, there's nothing I can do.
I'm drowning in my sorrows, becoming more like you.

 Had I stayed he would have killed me with his words. I would appear to be a living breathing able bodied person but deep inside I would be nothing but emptiness. Spiritually I would be dead.

The Other Side
The other side remains a mystery
Internally secure, my hidden identity
I share it with whom goes out of their way
to know me as a person to hear what I say
There's only so much that you can learn, that externally shows
There's much more inside that you don't know.
The other side holds the painful tears, the insecurities, my deepest fears
As much as I want to let it all out, some things are just too hard to talk about.
The other side is a mystery
Internally secure, my hidden identity.

How much do we actually know about ourselves?
True identity is a mystery buried within us. I don't want to be a face hidden in the shadows... I don't want to be a stranger to the world. I want my existence to be known.

February 28th, 2006

I'm exactly where I should be. I hold you close to my heart.
My love for you is endless.

I love the way you... - Dave
I love the way you laugh, the way you look into my eyes.
Your smile takes my breath away, and floods warmth inside.
I love the way you speak, you have a way of being heard.
Everything you have to say, I hang on to every word.

April 1st 2006 @ 11:11am

Buried Burden- The Past
Should I tell him of the hurt I've felt?
Past pains that I have not forgotten about.
How can I let go of those memories?
That stripped away my identity.
My innocence stolen against my will.
For years I had myself to blame.
Why hadn't I realized, that I had no reason to be ashamed?
For what had happened, I should have told someone.
Rather than keep it myself as my burden.

April 1st, 2006

Who I am??- Dave
What is it that you see in me?
that you know for sure that you want to be with me,
for the rest of your life?
What is it that you wanna see?
What part of my personality,
is it that you like?

Because I'm changing everyday,
will you still love me tomorrow?
I'm up and down, I still have not found who I am.
In this world I'm a troubled girl,
Who can't figure out, what this life's about.
I wander these empty streets, I've lost a part of me.
I don't know what to do, and so I shadow you.

Losing grip of reality.
Doing my best to keep everyone happy,
I worry too much I know.
Trying to please, I've lost my dreams.
Life it seems, has no meaning.
I've let myself go.

Don't leave me hanging, say that you'll stay.
I'll always love you forever.
Please understand, that I'm still searching for who I am.
In this world, I'm a troubled girl.
Who can't figure out what this life's about.
I wander these empty streets, I've lost a part of me.
I don't know what to do, and so I shadow you.

I've let myself go, so who I am?  I don't really know.
But I'll soon figure it out, on my own.

'Be content with who you are, because in this world nobody is perfect. Everyone has their flaws. It's when you concentrate on what's wrong that you lose sight of all the good and wonderful qualities that you have.'

Learn from the past.
Focus on the present.
Prepare for the future.

April 2nd, 2006

Behind those eyes - Dave
Eyes full of wonder, a clueless mystery.
A puzzle with a picture, that only you can see.
Hidden behind those eyes, that I try to look so deep.
Memories bound in your mind, secrets that you keep.
Yearning to know more, not intending to pry.
I just want to see what you see behind those eyes.

Eyes full of passion, flowing creativity.
Humbled by your nature, your sensitivity.
Hidden behind those eyes, is a journey our love now shares.
Once we uncover what is underneath the layers.
Pure love, naked of disguise is the untold secret,
hiding behind these eyes.

April 4th, 2006

He must know...- Dave
Does he know how much I love him?
Does he know how much I care?
Does he know I want him forever?
Does he know I'll always be there?
Does he know that I admire him so?
Does he know that when I stare,
deep into his dark brown eyes, I melt into his trust
Does he know he means the world to me?
Does he know? He must...

April 6th, 2006

Be true, to you
'Step out into the world, let the fear surpass
Out of the shadows, and into the light
Show your true colors, let your personality shine through.
you cannot please everyone and at the same time be you.'

April 7th, 2006

I woke up this morning feeling like a failure. I wanted to cry but I didn't. I hated the fact that I felt so alone, empty, and worthless when the man I love was sleeping so soundly next to me. I lay awake staring at the ceiling, recalling my dream.
'I was burdened by a secret that only I knew. I had only three months to live, and I didn't want anyone to know. I would face my fear of dying alone.'

April 15th,2006

'I have absolutely no clue what I like, and what I don't like. I'm not even sure if the decisions I make are mine, or what other people want. I don't know what kind of person I am.'

April 23rd, 2006 @ 12:30am - God

So much time has passed since the last time I spoke to you.
Since the last time I spoke sincerely from my heart, and opened myself up to vulnerability.
Since I've trusted completely. So why am I so afraid to confide in you again?

Once I felt so close. Now it seems I am right back where I started.
Why do I have doubts? Please.. I ask that my faith be renewed.
Deep in inside I know that my spiritual growth holds the key to happiness.
The damage lingers on, and I feel so withered and frail,
Help me to forgive myself and people whom I hold a grudge.

'Let me live towards a brighter future and leave the past behind.
Guide me in the right direction let the pain unwind.'

April 25th, 2006 - Dave

Trust
I've never loved like this before
Please be patient time will open the door.
The more time I spend with you, the easier it becomes
To trust, open my heart, to be with someone.

April 26th, 2010 @ 11:32pm

I worried myself to the point of exhaustion.
It was a slow and steady build up of events that lead to a nervous breakdown.
I lost my wallet. I couldn't find it anywhere, but before I started to panic I double checked my bags. Even triple checked. I called work. On the bus ride home I met up with an old friend, stressed out I told her my situation, and all the chatting drew me into a world of oblivion of my surroundings.
I missed my bus stop completely. The bus driver yells at me from the front to sit properly in my seat, but in my frantic state I zone him out completely. I call work again, meanwhile again sitting in my seat improperly.

The bus driver stops the bus, gets up out of his seat and yells 'If I have to ask you again to sit properly in your seat I will kick you off at the next stop.' and something about how my back could get broken. I was still on the phone with my manager and and this point my eyes began to sting with tears. My manager asks... 'Michelle.. are you okay? Michelle? Is he yelling at you?' I can't respond. Can't even speak. I was humiliated in front of my old friend, a bus full of strangers and of course my manager on the phone.

'That was uncalled for' My old friend says, as I pack my things to get off at the next stop. Amid my crisis I still thank the bus driver and tell him to have a good night as he angrily closes the door and drove off into the night. After much back tracking my wallet turned up in my co-workers car. It fell out of my pocket on our lunch break.

April 30th, 2006

Suddenly it all makes sense. The impact hits me hard as the realization becomes a celebration with a hint of pain. Why hadn't I figured it out earlier? I've listened to much to what others had to say that I've lost myself. Then it came to me... one paragraph that overwhelmed my imagination with a truth that has been hidden for so long.

'Artists love other artists. Shadow artists are gravitating to their rightful tribe but cannot yet claim their birthright. Very often audacity, not talent, make one person an artist and another a shadow artist. Hiding in the shadows , afraid to step out and expose their dream to the light, fearful it will disintegrate to the touch.' The Artists Way

I am a shadow artist. There is something in me haunting my dreams at night, just itching to surface, waiting to be acknowledged. It comes out in my writing. It's plastered through my entire notebooks. I have been avoiding it. All of this sadness I write about is not my life!!! It is my lost dream.

I feel hidden behind a shadow, supporting the man I love with his dreams because I have much admiration for that display of courage. The fact that he puts himself out there doing what he loves to do... amazes me, but I also face another feeling... Envy and bitterness towards not following my own dreams.

So.. I begin with uncovering and rediscovering myself. This is my journey. One worth writing about. I was put on this earth for a reason. and I will spend the rest of my life finding out where it will take me.

May 1st, 2006

The beauty of the outside world is breath taking. I sit here in silence, to myself , taking it all in. The scenery, the sounds, the smell. On the outskirts of all this nature remains the rush of everyday life. I get so caught up in that rush,, that I forget to take a moment to myself. Finally I am able to let go, to relax, to catch my breath. Upon a rock I observe nature interacting with nature. A bridge towers over the river carrying the heavy sounds of traffic, but even more interesting is the life that lives below the bridge.

Tree branches hang low, baring the weight of this past winter. Grateful buds sprout in hopes of a full summers growth. The smell of a new harboring season combined with the fresh scent of morning dew, bring an inner peace to my heart. The sound of birds fill my ears: pigeons cooing, mirroring each others movements, pruning themselves and communicating their pleasure. A squirrel above becomes displeased with my company, and stares down at me with watchful beady eyes. His body stiff, alert and curious. So far the squirrel seems to be the only only one to notice my being here, and seems to be threatened by my intrusion. He seems quite intent on letting the others know I am here, barking gibberish, with small yelps. We keep eye contact, and his calls become less urgent, it seems he has lost interest when he realizes that I mean no harm. A single Canadian goose stands alone, appearing as though expecting a friend. Awaiting patiently by the waters edge, with no interest in any of the other birds outside his kind. Is the language of birds foreign to other birds?

Funny how when you ask a question the answer comes immediately. Beside me, a few teenagers have come to feed the birds. At the first throw of bread, the seagull is the first at the scene. It calls to the others and immediately, it becomes fend for oneself. Even more interesting is how the call of the gull attracted a few ducks and a goose. almost immediately they all migrated together.

May 1st, 2006 @ 10:59pm

I'm told that I worry too much. The truth is, yes, I do. I know that, and I'm working on it. This day in age it is expected that you pursue post secondary education to get a descent job. A well paying job.
What is more important? Going to school for a career with excellent income potential or doing what you love to do and making enough to make ends meet?

I'm torn when it comes to thinking on terms of a career. I have absolutely no clue on where I want to go. I like I'm stuck on a ferris wheel running the same track over and over, always ending up right back where I started.

Tomorrow I will be booking an appointment for a career assessment, hopefully I will have a better understanding of who I am.

May 2nd, 2006 @ 10:14am - Dave

I just woke up, and lie in bed listening to the fan whirring above me. My lover; handsome, soft, warm resting beside me. His breathing a melodic rhythm, I listen and slow my breathing to match his. As usual I've awoken with a start, anxious before my day has even begun, but his peaceful nature calms my nerves. I trace the tatoo on his back, I relax. His back, smooth, delicate, and perfect to the touch seems to curve and crevas like a mold designed to fit us together as one. I embrace him, I hold him tight and I feel so lucky to have him. I couldn't bare the thought of not being with him, I realize in a moment that he means the world to me. I want to nuture him, care for him and love him always. To wake up beside him soothes my soul, to hear his voice so soft and gentle in my ear every nerve in my body releases tension.

May 3rd, 2006

'I have the ability to write something sensational. I just have to listen to my heart and write down everything I hear.'

May 4nd, 2006 @ 11:45pm

I know deep down my artistic side has been aching to get out, but I have no clue on where to put my focus.


Sinking
Slow down
far below
deep darkness
nobody knows
caught in a shadow
reaching for light
smothered by the thick
black of night

May 9th, 2006 @ 10:00pm

I was really active today. Walked down to Billings bridge then to the Glebe for a job search. No luck yet. When Dave came home we walked for 2 1/2 hours through the tulip festival at Dow's Lake. I've never seen so many tulips in all my life. Beautiful colors... pink, red, yellow, purple, white, orange. It felt like I was walking over rainbows.

May 10th, 2006 @ 10:00am

Morning light seeps in through the open blinds. I am alone with my thoughts. It's times like this when I should be writing but I cowar away from fear. My mind drifts to a realism of myself. I became this way because of the choices that I've made. How did my choices weaken me? How is it that I come to think that I am unimportant? That I have bad ideas, and that my answers are useless. Why can't I speak out loud what I believe? Why do I not stand up for myself? I am struggling with my independence and trying to show my true self, but what is true when I have no clue who I am? How did I become so lost? How do I rediscover my creativity, that I have buried away so long ago? I want to find it. I need to find it, and I am asking you, my God, for help.

I am so tired of being something I'm not. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wishing I had done something creatively. Please restore my creative self and heal my heart. Some wounds have cut deep into my soul, so deep I've lost confidence in myself. Help me believe that I can make it on my own with your help. I'm so scared of change, help me embrace it. You are the only one who knows me, more deeply than anyone on earth. I am in such a fragile state. Why is it that I am so tempted to back to my old ways? WHY? That life style sucked the life and energy right out of me. I lost hold of everything, including basic concept of right from wrong. I couldn't grasp it. I knew it was wrong but still I did it. Why? So I could numb the pain. Anything to numb the pain. I hurt so bad, I couldn't breathe. I wanted to die. Before our relationship when I thought I had no one to turn to, I had tried so hard to please everyone which was impossible. I failed.

I was taken advantage of,
my trust was broken, my innocence stolen.
I blamed myself, I kept it secret, but you knew.
You knew everything about what I'd been through.
I thought that I would never trust another man.
Then there he was, gentle, sweet and interested in who I am.
I told him everything, He listened, and did not interrupt,
He was my best friend, I trusted him and then he broke my heart.
He left me standing there naked and exposed,
Like standing in a room without any clothes.
He would walk by, without a glance my way,
Wouldn't even give me the time of day
Each day was painful all I could do was cry.
I could not bare the torture of the hurt I felt inside.
Again I was betrayed by another lie.

Broken in two, not knowing what to do, I needed to fill the void.
I was left with an empty space inside, screaming to numb away the noise
From the beginning I was high, and in the wrong frame of mind
Then I met him another guy, with just as much baggage
We smoked up, everything was a joke,
lots of laughs, clouded by smoke.
He fell in love... fell in love with who??
Without the drugs, I have nothing in common with you.
When I gave it all up, our relationship became bland,
it wasn't worth his time, to see who I really am.
Without the drugs, I am a person,
whose feeling are mixed up, and I'm still hurting.
We couldn't connect, I hope you understand,
why I had to leave, and find another man

My heart in pieces, I try to sweep up off the floor,
before I fully healed he walked in the door.
He threw me off guard with his charm,
he made me feel special but I still remained alarmed.
He reminded me of a dream I once had,
How everything was so perfect but ended so bad.
I ignored the gut feeling, the voice inside shouting to run away
Instead I held on, avoiding the price I would have to pay.
I was fascinated by someone who was a complete stranger
Blocking out the flashing red signs of danger.
He was handsome, smooth, his lines prepared.
He knew how to win the heart of a girl who was scared.
He complimented, he assured,
I trusted his every word
Before I even had the chance to realize,
his true nature materialized before my eyes.
Bitter, angry, above the whole world,
I became I slave to his desire
Losing even more of myself,
I began to fall in a downward spiral.
Afraid that every decision I made,
could not by his standards be pleased
It became impossible to make him happy and meet his every need.
He wanted all of my time, and love to himself.
How could I give something, I didn't even have for myself?
The dream that I had had at the beginning,
before I got into this mess...
had turned into a bitter reality, and put me to the test.
I was drowning, unable to reach the surface,
just below running out of breath
Struggling with the one holding me under,
before I drowned to death.
The relationship was clear to me,
the drowning of my personality.
Unlocking the shackles and chains,
I slipped away from his grasp,
to begin the journey of my own spiritual quest.
To get back everything I lost,
to start a new relationship with the one on the cross.
Forgive me.. I know that I have not been very faithful to you.
Walking on the wrong side, doing the things I do.
Living this life of destruction, not taking care of myself.
Trying to make it on my own, not asking for your help.
I'm on my knees, I'm begging you please.
Show me the way to set me free.
_____________________________________________________________
May 10th, 2006 @ 1:11pm

I can't seem to stay in one place for too long. Anxiety strikes, I become restless.
As soon as I get to the core of a thought, an understanding... I stop.
Through this experience, I did in fact find God, I know this because I felt him working through me, and no one can take that feeling away. Even though I could feel God's presence, I am still struggling with inner demons eager to suck me back into my old ways. I am split in two directions, and often times find myself beginning to question my faith. I begin to doubt. Maybe it wasn't God I felt??
My spirit needs constant tender loving care. I am praying for guidance on this, and some renovation in the following areas.

1. That my ideas are important. To voice my opinion, my beliefs and to not be afraid to speak of you and your good works. To be open minded to my creative self.

2. To pay attention to the details, to observe what goes on around me. To be in tune with my senses, especially my intuition.

3. To stop worrying about the future. To live in the now, and focus more on a healthier active lifestyle. To be more confident and enthusiastic in my decisions.

May 12th, 2006 @ 5:25pm (Zola's Restaurant)

Let me not take pity on myself. Stay strong, stay positive. Help me be more encouraging to others.

10:30pm (Bus)

I'm worn out, tired, exhausted. My mind wanders. At this point will I even be able to sleep? I've been worrying so much lately, about everything. I think about the future and I am fearful of what it may bring.What direction am I heading, and what would be best for me?

'Recover what is lost spiritually... Listen to my voice and may the truth set you free.'

May 15th, 2006

My savior, my hero, my friend
Unleash the insecurities
Let me live my own life
Cast away all my worries
Always stay by my side
Take my hand, lead the way
Tell me what I need to do
To strengthen our relationship
I'm nothing without you
Help me pick up the broken pieces
Make my heart whole again
I'll confide in you forever
My savior, my hero, my friend.

May 16th, 2006 @ 1:25pm

A call for help
My heart hurts, the wounds have cut so deep
The damage has not yet healed, my body aches with grief
I hold this anger inside, I can't seem to let it out
I watch other people live their lives,
Is it too late to change my life around?

I'm tired of sitting here and doing nothing with my life.
Empty, drained, and letting opportunities pass me by. Why?
I feel that I am not good enough, that everyone else is better than me.
I have failed. I have fallen.. Is it too late to help me?

May 17th, 2006

A part of me cannot wait to start a family, and the other part of me is telling me to be patient. Find yourself, go to school, travel. Find your independence before another life depends on you.

11:20am (Algonquin College)

I am at the college now for my career assessment. I hope this appointment sheds some light on my future goals. I have a few things in mind along the lines of an artistic nature. I had it before, and abandoned everything that brought me peace. I walked away, ashamed of what I had left behind, not only left behind but trashed. I threw it all away as if it were a piece of garbage. I left angry. bitter and insecure of my work. I didn't deserve to have it, and no one would benefit from reading it. I write of pain, agony and anger because of the dream I threw away. I lost the encouragement within myself to continue writing. I gave up.

'I write of sadness... I speak lies 
to cover the truth of a soul that cries.
I ache for your approval, a need so strong, 
It felt good at the time, but I couldn't have been more wrong.
I became what I thought was expected of me, 
I became someone that I thought you wanted me to be'

May 20th, 2006 @ 12:15am

I'm so used to apologizing, even when it's not necessary, it has become habit.

May 22nd, 2006 @ 2:23am

Lead us not to temptation... deliver us from evil.
God, I am still wandering in the dark. I am weak... ready to fall at your feet.
I'm here waiting for you. waiting for the moment you take my life... and I walk with you.

5:50pm

Plant a seed, watch it grow.
From a root underground, the process slow.

I feel nothing, my emotions are numb. I feel like I'm on the verge of losing my mind. Why can't I figure out what makes me feel this way? I feel like I don't belong, that I have no real home. I feel like I can't stay in one place for too long. I'm going home to Prescott to visit my parents, and putting my life in Ottawa on hold. I'm hoping that I can connect with God again. I hate the way I feel.
I feel helpless, like I'm losing control of my life and my values.
I feel so ugly on the inside, and my soul has broken into a million little pieces.
I can't seem to collect myself, and find the strength to be confident with who I am.
Am I an artist? What on earth was I created for?
I walk these empty streets, in search of my savior.
I've contemplated death, and have just been waiting to be put out of my misery. I don't want to feel empty anymore. I don't want to long for the drugs that I would use to numb the pain. I just want to for once be happy with who I am and do what God created me for.
I'm emotional, I'm drained and I act as though everything is ok.
Well I'm not ok. I'm not ok with the choices I've made. I'm not ok that I can't be honest with myself and others. I'm not ok with holding back what hurts. I hurt. I've been hurt and I have hurt. This hurt has been suppressed. Now that it is all beginning to emerge, I'm afraid of it.

I fear not of the world outside, I walk these dark streets and await my destiny. I feel nothing, I will lose nothing. I am the walking dead. I have no identity. How is it that even in my adulthood I cannot make one responsible decision for myself?

The man I love, whom I have given what is left of my heart deserves more. He deserves everything, but I feel like I have nothing left to give. I feel that I don't deserve his love. He has always been there for me, has been honest with me, so why can't I be open with him? I am worried about his health, that he consumes too much alcohol, and I don't want to see him get hurt. Then I wonder... Is he in pain to? That the stress and struggles of the world can only be numbed by booze? Is it a temporary fix, to medicate long term pain?

I want him to be happy. I want him to successfully reach his dreams, and I want to be there to support him all the way because he has accomplished so much already. I often wonder why I haven't just gone for my own dreams as well? Is it too late to accomplish anything? To see the world, to follow my dreams and do something just for me?

11:59pm

Numb Feel
Fast asleep, my body numb
Can't move, can't speak, can't undo what's been done
What's happened has happened, just let it be.
The past is in the past, but holds a part of me.
Numb the pain, the inside anger.
Numb the sirens, red lights of danger.
Numb your spirit, let the fire die.
Numb your emotions, there's no need to cry.
Numb your love for the hurt it brings,
Numb yourself of all things.
Numb your body of the hurt in the past,
Numb the memories you don't want to last.
Numb moment that brings you power, entertainment release.
Numb the one you've tried forever, and still cannot seem to please.
Numb the one who broke your heart and told you nothing but lies.
Numb the one who told you so, the one who thinks she's so wise.
Numb the one who laughs in your face, when something doesn't go right.
Remember we all make mistakes, from darkness there is light.
Numb the imperfections you cannot change.
Numb the insecurities, the people you blame.
Numb the opportunity that passed you by.
When you thought you were not good enough and never bothered to try.
Numb the girl you compared yourself to, the one you wished to walk a day in her shoes.
Numb the shame you hold onto, before it becomes your life, before it controls you.
Numb the possibility you won't get picked, if your not what their looking for atleast you tried it.
Time to make some changes, because numbing out the world will not solve your problems.
Open your eyes, take a look around, PAY CLOSE ATTENTION, so when problems arrive you can solve them.
Wake up, what does your body feel??
take time away for yourself.
Feel the pain, don't keep in the anger.
Feel the need to forgive, be weary of danger.
Feel the weight being lifted off your shoulders,
Feel comfortable when someone wants to hold you
Feel the love, mend your broken heart.
Feel the hurt that made you fall apart.
Feel the memories, let the healing begin
Feel your strengths, not the weakness within.
Feel the moment that brings you pleasure with no shame,
for all the times you cross that line, you've only yourself to blame.
Feel the defense arise, when someone you love can only criticize.
You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to be like someone else....
Feel the need to be you, and no one else..... otherwise you'll lose yourself.
Feel these feelings, deal with them as they come.....
numbing it out, holding it inside, the battle cannot be won.
Feel the courage to ask for help.... you don't need to go through this alone.
And He will give you a helping hand, He will lead you home.

May 23rd, 2006 @ 2:20pm
I'm on my way home and I feel so flooded with emotion. The closer we get to Johnstown, the anticipation becomes more intense. I am excited to be in the presence of something familiar. My old bedroom that I painted, with my old things that I've collected. I feel that it is time for me to just relax, and leave everything in God's hands. I'm not going to worry about anything, anymore.
Finances, career, relationships, nothing.

'All you can do is your best, and when the problem arises make the most of the worst.'

'Meet triumph with disaster and treat those two imposters just the same' 
Rudyard Kipling.

God has a plan for me, and that is enough to keep me going. At times when I dwell on guilt and worry, I need to remember that I am not alone.

Dave, has been so supportive during these times, and my love for him is strengthened every single day. I love him so much.. He understands me.
He senses my nervousness, he assures
He senses I am tense, he calms
He senses I am hurt, he apologizes
I know that we will make it through anything.

May 25th, 2006

God has provided me with so much, and has poured his blessings all around me.
'For he covers me with his umbrella, and shelters me with his love.
For he protects me against the enemy and always creates a way out.
But the decision to listen and receive, is mine.'

May 31st, 2006

Do I think about my career too much? I feel like I have to rush through the process as I do with everything else in my life. Am I impatient for wanting to take the steps to build it now? I need to focus on how to get where I want to be.
______________________________________________________________________________

June 5th, 2006 @ 11:07am

He asked me yesterday what kind of engagement ring I would like. Then asked if I had anything in mind as a first song, which I had never really thought about. He suggested maybe 'Lullaby' by the Dixie Chicks. When I listened to the song, it seemed perfect. If love could be described in a song, that's it.

'Your perfect for me, we belong together.
It's impossible to get everything I love about you on a list that goes on forever.'

Key to my heart - Dave
'I give to you the key to my heart,
you move me, with your charm
I could spend, the rest of my life
So close to you, in your arms.

I cannot breathe I'm in too deep,
I feel you next to me.

I can't escape, I'm bounded by love.
My promise is, I hope enough.'

June 7th, 2006

'What are you going to do with your life? What is your ultimate goal?'
'My notebooks are my life.
I need to write.
I have to write.
I must write.'
'Then don't be afraid of it. Teach yourself not to judge, but to love your creations and your observations.'
'I feel so strongly about doing work that will make a difference. Doing something that I love, and look forward to. One life may be changed, and how much I would love to be a part of that.'

June 10th, 2006 @ 10:18am

He tried hard to impress. Diamonds, flowers, a trip to Mexico. I'm angry at myself.
He was a drunk, he was drunk the night we met, and the night I gave him everything.
My gut screamed Nooooo, but I ignored it. It was hard to walk away from the person I gave myself to after waiting 20 years. What was so special about him?

He was a charmer. He made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world (eyes would pop, mouth drop). He was smart, full of knowledge. Aggressive in a leadership role, which I admired because I am not a leader. He made all the plans, he decided where we would go, he made all of the arrangements for our trip.
 
He introduced me to his best friend Katherine, tiny, beautiful and so sweet. She was a great listener, and we got along really well. I never once saw Katherine as a threat. She was special. The only damage Katherine caused to our relationship, I'm sure she never knew.

I was the girl that would never be Katherine.
He would say, 'Katherine would never do that'.
'Wait till I tell Katherine.'
'Katherine doesn't think it's a big deal, she would never have a problem with this..'

 June 18th, 2006 @ 9:50am

'What do you want?'
'I'm so confused, I have no idea what I want. As soon as I think I have something to work with, something I want, I always end up right back at ground zero, not knowing again.'
'What changes your mind?'
'What kind of feedback I get from other people. If they doubt my decision... I doubt.'
'Why does it matter what other people think?'
'I don't take myself seriously... I wonder if my ideas are too far fetched.'
'If you don't take yourself seriously, how do you expect others to take you seriously?'
'So I shouldn't listen to what other people have to say?'
'Listen to what they have to say, but don't let what they say discourage you. Stay focused on what you want. What do you want?
'I want to help people, I want to make a difference. What should I do?'
'Listen' 
'I'm listening.'
'No you are not. Shut out the noise in your mind and really listen... what does your heart tell you?'
'Write a book'
'Yes.'
'I don't know what to write.'
'I will guide you, I will help you... if you are willing to listen.'
'Yes. Tell me what to write.'
'I want you to write what you feel. How do you feel now?'
'Empty. Like I'm missing something.'
'You are.'
'What is it?'
'Faith. You don't have faith. You doubt.' 

June 12th, 2006 @ 5:50pm

'Why is it that you just can't say how you feel?'
'I just feel like my opinions or worries aren't worth the cause for arguement. I don't want to come across as too dramatic or too motherly. I realize that not speaking up is damaging the relationship. I can't seem to help myself, I just want to avoid the confrontation.
'Lean on me, I will give you strength and you will never lose your way.
I am your map, I am your compass, I am with you everyday.
Fear not, I am your guidance, move forward I am your key
Listen for my voice, feel me in your dreams
I am the sun, the moon, the earth, the ground
I am the very air you breathe, every touch, taste and sound
Do not dwell on a past that you cannot change, 
Move forward, think of your future and all the possibilities it will bring.'

@ 11:23pm

'There is no need to be so confused.
I have a plan for you.
I will be your lantern in the dark
But you must take that first step
You must ignite the spark'

June 13th, 2006 @ 10:05am

'These pages that I write,
I will have with me for the rest of my life.
I want to remember these troubled years
This journey so full, of laughter and tears
I will write until the day, I take my last breath,
May my words live on, even after my death
I was put here for a reason, I have a mission to do
May God give me the words, and I will see it through'

I want to remember the day I find myself... Every feeling, every touch, every smell.

'Open your heart to me, I am your closest friend,
Call on me when you need me, and I will take your hand.
I am the roof over your head, I am your shelter in the rain
I am your father, you are my child, I am the healing to your pain.
Chemicals will not save you, nurture the body that you have
I give you the choice, it is up to you to decide what path.
Do not be deceived, by things that aren't real
Do not be afraid to tell someone, how it is that you feel.'

June 18th, 2006 @ 4:03pm

I've been avoiding writing of any kind these last few days. It feels like the well of good works has dried up.
How does that make you feel?
Disabled. As soon as I write something I am proud of, my inner critique tears me down. 'Fine, you had one moment that you wrote something okay, it wasn't even all that great. Nothing worth getting excited about.' So my entries get shorter, less thoughtful, my brain ceases to function and the frustration surfaces before I even get it down on paper. I feel like I need some sort of instruction on how I should be writing.
Why is it that you need someone or something to tell you how to do it? Find yourself not someone else. Decide what you want and be confident with your choices before you tell anyone what your plan is. Don't think too far ahead in the future, focus on the present. Relax. Slow down. Be patient. Give yourself a chance to be a beginner, you can't expect to see immediate results.
   

Week 1 - Recovering a Sense of Safety

As an artist, I am blocked, I have been for quite some time and have resisted all urges to pursue my passion. I am embarrassed to admit that I long to be a writer, and fearful of what possibilities that could mean. What if my long lost dream is exposed? What will I say when I tell people that I am a writer, and they ask 'What do you write about?' Would it be silly to admit that I have no clue?

I am already meeting resistance today, my first day on my journey to restore my creative self. I am already trying to make my posts interesting, wondering what other people might think, and if I sound too amateurish in my abilities to produce good works of writing. My censor, and negative beliefs already poking out their ugly little heads... How many times have you attempted this journey? Isn't this the third time? Twice already you have given up... TWICE!!!!

Well here's what I have to say... Third time's the charm.

I am taking on a twelve-week course called 'The Artist's Way', a book by Julia Cameron, which is basically a course in discovering and recovering your creative self. For obvious reasons, the majority of my explorations will be kept private journal just for me, but each week I will do a little check in, to help me stay accountable.

Focus for this week: Practicing the two basic tools that I will need to follow through with for the entire course. The Morning Pages and The Artist Date.

The Morning Pages are three hand written pages every morning, about anything and everything. Just a mind dump of all worries, fears, concerns, life, job, weather, beliefs, dreams, hopes, experiences... whatever. It's not meant to be perfect, and is used as a tool in becoming the artist that I was meant to be. This a a daily non-negotiable must.

The Artist Date is the one that I am meeting with more resistance than even the morning pages. My first thought, 'Where will I find 2 hours each week that I can be by myself?' Rare are the moments that I leave home without my spouse or my daughter, and then my second thought 'Would it be too selfish of me to take this time for myself? What would I do?' Again this is another important tool in restoring creativity, so I will do my best to work it into my week.

Twelve week commitment - To The 'Artist's Way'

CONTRACT

I, Michelle Arthurs, understand that I am undertaking an intensive, guided encounter with my own creativity. I commit myself to the twelve-week duration of the course. I, Michelle, commit to weekly reading, daily morning pages, a weekly artist date, and the fulfillment of each week's tasks.

I, Michelle, further understand that this course will raise issues and emotions for me to deal with. I, Michelle, commit myself to excellent self-care - adequate sleep, diet, exercise, and pampering for the duration of the course.

Michelle Arthurs

June 5th, 2012